Mirror Missing Map
by lifeisawesome
Summary: Sometimes James explores the Castle alone at night. Occasionally he'll find something interesting. Once he found a mirror that always shows him Lily. From becoming an auror to being with his friends, James contemplates what desire really is.


The Mirror of Erised was not shown on the Marauders' Map. Long ago, James had made sure that the map would never show the location of the stupid thing. The map should have shown everything the boys had discovered in their seven years at Hogwarts, but James never wanted anyone to always know of its location. It was a dangerous, painful thing, that mirror, and James felt sorry for Dumbledore whose job it was to know its location.

The Marauders often went off on midnight explorations to add to the map. Though they later added enchantments to the parchment so that it would evolve on its own, they first needed to lay a foundation. So they enthusiastically went about their trips, adding rooms, exploring the castle, and getting in trouble.

Though they had usually adventured together, James would occasionally explore Hogwarts by himself. They had at this point only been able to get the map to show specific people, but that was enough to avoid Filch and Demon Cat (known as Mrs. Norris to students who actually feared the caretaker). With that he could stay out of trouble and probably danger, too. James usually only took these therapeutic trips the nights Lily had shot him down like a muggle fighter plane. He knew his friends worried about him, though they wouldn't say it in so many words. James always laughed off Lily's rejections and put up an arrogant front of indifference, but his friends knew that it bugged him more than he let on.

James was not one to be depressed or sad, especially over something like a rejection, but he became very thoughtful. He'd brood over it a bit in private. He'd always ask himself why she kept saying no, and what in Merlin's name was wrong with him. And he knew he could sometimes be an ass (okay, he was an ass. But he had mellowed out a lot since first year), but why did he keep showing her the worst sides of himself? Moony once told him that James was one of the best guys he knew, but the person who saw the least of that great guy was Lily. The one person of all people... James didn't know if it was because being around Lily made him an idiot because he loved her so much, but that sounded like an excuse to him, and he really wanted to show her a better side of himself. That wouldn't happen if he kept making excuses…

One night, he was thinking of all these things- as he usually did- when he walked past a door that had not yet been added to the map. Checking to make sure Filch was somewhere far enough that he wouldn't get caught, James walked in. He looked around, checking for traps, but he could still admire the simplistic beauty the room offered. High windows bathed the room in moonlight, though he was sure the room was in the middle of the castle, surrounded by walls. The room felt light and airy, with a ledge going around it. Two steps led down to the center of room, where a large mirror was placed. It was beautiful and haunting, and James knew just by looking at it that it was enchanted- created with some very powerful magic.

Walking around before going up to the mirror, he inspected the room more carefully for dark magic. Only after deeming it safe enough for the moment did he look into the mirror.

He was not surprised when he did not see just his reflection.

He saw himself, yes, but not quite. He… he was with Lily, he realized in awe. And they were happy. And together. And in love. And… He reached out to touch the image, but only felt the cool glass under his fingertips. He looked around the mirror now, wondering what kind of spell this was, what he was seeing. He had hoped it was the future, but wanted to make sure. He didn't want to get his hopes up…

At the top of the mirror he read the inscription "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi." He stood there, wondering what it meant, staring into the mirror for what felt like hours. He watched Lily and his reflection laugh and kiss and hug. After thinking for a while, he took out a spare parchment he'd sometimes use to jot down notes for the map. He wrote out the words of the mirror. The mirror did not reflect these actions, but James had an epiphany. He rewrote it backwards. _His true heart's desire…_

He felt as if he should have known. However, he hoped so _badly_ that it was the future, that it was a possibility, that it was… something!

He had stood there for hours, he realized, as the sun began to rise and the bluish twilight around him became warmer and redder with the new dawn. Having class in a few hours, James didn't see the point in going to sleep now, but he had to go back to the room so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

James didn't keep secrets from his friends, but the mirror was not something he wanted them to know about. If it really showed desires, then James had a fair idea of what his friends would see. And he didn't know if seeing it in the mirror was worth the pain of knowing some things can never be. Because James knew his friends well enough to know their deepest desires almost as well as his own.

The three Marauders knew something was up with James. Though he was asleep when they all woke, James immediately got out of bed when they tried to wake him, contrary to his usual "monster" mornings of moaning, groaning, and grunting indecipherable noises. Worse still, he didn't look rested at all. They knew he sometimes went out by himself, but he never seemed so listless or tired. When questioned about it, James only told them that Filch kept walking in the worst possible places all night and to stay out of his range, James had to walk around all night. Padfoot thought it was bullshit, but James didn't say anything more about it.

That night, James went right to the room with the mirror. He had added the room to the map, but refused to add the mirror. He even attempted some spells that prevented the map from ever showing the mirror, even if someone were to try and add it. He sat down, wrapped his arms around his knees, and watched as his reflection and desire sat down opposite of him. And he did a lot of thinking.

He thought that for some people, it wouldn't be a painful thing to look at. He thought how compared to his friends desires, his wasn't all that big, and they'd say his wasn't unattainable. He thought how the mirror looked like more like a doorway than it did a mirror. And Merlin, how he wished he could just walk right into the dream world it created. He thought how he shouldn't be wasting his time with the false promises, because it wasn't a door, and the only thing he could do was do his best. But he could never bring himself to leave until at least an hour later.

He would sometimes lie down, not looking at the mirror at all, but still seeing Lily in his mind when he shut his eyes.

No, his friends should never have to deal with his. Sometimes James would think that in some ways the Mirror of Erised was good for showing people what they really want. That it made people confront themselves and who they truly are. But sometimes it was just painful.

He didn't get to bed until late again.

Every night James went to the mirror for the next two weeks. He tried so hard not to stay longer than an hour. He kept telling himself, "_Just an hour. Just an hour and I'm gone. Just an hour and I'll go to bed. And I'm never coming back_."

But it was never just an hour, though he somehow managed to leave before dawn every night, excluding the first. And he did come back.

And James noticed that on some nights, his desire changed. That sometimes his reflected desire was slightly different. Four days after his first discovery of the mirror, he was an auror. He was wearing the uniform and was wearing the badge, and he knew it was because he heard of another killing that day. He knew that day that he wanted to be an auror no matter what, and he was going to fight. And three days after that, the mirror showed all of his friends in the reflection with him. Because he couldn't lose them, and he realized for the first time that maybe he could. But Lily was always there. She was always in the mirror, despite any change in detail. And one day he thought he saw just her. Just alive and happy, because maybe that's all he really needed, but James knew that his deepest desire was for everyone important to him to be alive and happy and _together_.

Sometimes he wondered if Lily would see him if she looked into the mirror. He knew she wouldn't, but he wanted so badly for her to see him. He could only imagine what she would see. But he knew it wouldn't be him. Occasionally it crossed his mind that he would never be her deepest desire, if only for the reason that she always had him. He snorted. How could anyone desire something they already have?

With the mirror becoming another routine in his life, he stopped acting weird in front of the other Marauders. Moony asked if he was okay, and James knew he really was. Padfoot was happy as hell that their leader was back in action and they raised hell in celebration. Because his desire for Lily was nothing new to him- it would just take a different form at night.

But it was the fifteenth day that Dumbledore caught him. James had heard the footsteps before he heard the door open with the slight creak that always sounded so loud that late at night. Before Dumbledore could say anything, James spoke first, never turning from the mirror. "I know. I just… I know."

Dumbledore silently sat down next to him, looking into his own desire. James remained focused on the mirror, but mumbled into his arm, "I won't ask you what you see. I know by now that it's personal. But I see Lily Evans every time," he paused, thinking. He lifted his head and spoke more clearly, "I'm not ashamed."

Dumbledore smiled his ancient smile and told him he had no reason to be. After a silence, he spoke in his anciently wise, appropriately soft voice, "You're not the first, nor last, student to look into this mirror. Hogwarts has housed this particular mirror for many years, and I suppose for many years to come. However, I think, like most magic, this mirror is a form that one should not be exposed to for longer periods of time."

James understood that the professor meant he was going to move the mirror. He was relieved. Though he knew he should not be there wasting his time like this, he couldn't stop himself. The professor stood up, intending to let James have his one last night to see his desires. As he shut the door, he heard a murmured thank you from inside. Softly, Dumbledore said goodnight to the boy who he guessed (and he's had good guesses in his life) was going to be all right.


End file.
